A Defining Decade: Hope Over Fear

There’s a post-it note with a quote stuck to the back page of my journal. It’s from Nelson Mandela and reads, “May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears.” Every time I read it, it makes me want to square my shoulders and be brave.

The last decade has been full of so much more fear and anxiety than I could have predicted. I’ve had to learn many hard lessons about how to balance generosity toward myself with soul-stretching goals and hard work. I’ve had to many a lot of decisions that I was terrified I would screw up. And over and over again I had to decide the type of person I wanted to be.

If I’m being honest, there were days/weeks/months/years where I curled up with my coping mechanisms and tried to hold on to normalcy. But I’m going to stop and be generous with myself here. You see, a huge lesson I learned is that humans are so resilient, myself included, but we still take time to heal. Taking time to pull back and re-group and believe in yourself is an act of hope in the future. So is knowing when it’s time to venture back out into the terrifying world and make a change after periods of recovery.

I’m getting married in four months. And in so many ways, the choice to love someone and let them love me. The choice to commit to loving them and shouldering the hard times with them forever is the bravest most hopeful thing I’ve ever done. Marriage is terrifying. I have no idea how hard it’s really going to be and what we’re going to enjoy over the years and struggle through. I worry constantly about if I’m up to it.

But I came to this realization in the last couple of months. If I wait for the uncertainty to become certain, I’ll wait forever. And I’ll miss out on the wonderful things that come with making brave decisions. The point of life isn’t to avoid everything difficult, although that might seem appealing. It’s to carve out an existence for yourself that is built around hope and faith and love.

I feel like I’ve checked a lot of boxes off the list of what I wanted to accomplish in life over the last decade, and yet, I don’t actually think those are the things that I feel proudest of or have most defined me. I think I have gotten a little better at choosing hope over fear, even as the fears got bigger and I think that’s infinitely harder than any class I’ve taken or project I’ve completed.

#21-26 Create

This year hasn’t been quite as creative as I would have liked. Honestly, I’ve grown a ton at work and spent a lot of time and energy on developing other skills. I feel fine about those decisions, but it doesn’t diminish the happiness I find in creative pursuits. Here’s the list I wrote a year ago and a short update on how I did:

• Blog regularly
• Get something published
• Write a first draft of a book
• Start singing again
• Be a part of a creative project i.e. podcast, vlog, etc.
• Give a TED-like Talk

You can read about me giving a TED-like talk if you like. It was exiting and scary and ultimately something I really enjoyed. I love story telling and teaching and so it was fun to break into the audio realm of creativity for someone so focused on the written form.

Although it was a much smaller scale than I’d anticipated, I did sing in my congregation’s Christmas choir this year. It helped me see how much I miss being musical and also how rusty my technique is. It also reminded me of why I haven’t been able to commit to any musical pursuits–because most groups require so much inflexible time from their singers and my life really couldn’t handle that this year.

I did not finish a draft of my book this year. I did however get up to 40,000 words, hit a wall in my story, try to start again from the beginning, take a long break and then make some fairly significant break throughs in terms of structure and characterization during my daily commutes. I didn’t finish the draft, but I did learn a lot about creative writing and more importantly, my own creative process. I also generated a bunch of ideas for a few other novels that I’ve started story boarding and am really excited about.

I did not get anything published and I didn’t help out with any vlogs or podcasts. I know a few people who have creative projects I could have helped with, but ultimately I didn’t feel passionately about them. They were someone else’s dream and not mine. So I’m still on the lookout, but I think it’s got to be the right project whether I’m helping someone else out or creating something myself.

Considering that I only blogged 5 times in 2017, and I’ll have posted over 10 times once we get to my birthday, I guess that could count for blogging more regularly. Honestly, I think the reason I’ve stopped is that I’m not quite sure what the point anymore. Before, I wrote to keep in contact with friends and family, then I wrote as a creative outlet because I was too afraid to write what I really wanted to write, so now that I’m doing more creative writing, I don’t know if I need this anymore. I like having the space, but find that I’m less and less reliant on it to flesh out my own thoughts. So, we’ll see what becomes of this little corner of the internet in the future.

#27-30 Enjoy

Sometimes you just need to do things that bring you joy. And 3/4 of the things on my list to enjoy this year happened!

• Go to a movie at Sundance
• Go to 12 museums
• Re-read the entire Harry Potter series
• Do more yoga

I’ve already written at length about going to a movie at Sundance and re-reading the Harry Potter series. But suffice it to say, these were wonderful things. I love film and I love Harry Potter. And prioritizing things that had nothing to do with school or work was wonderful last winter. I needed to carve out things that weren’t about numbing myself from the stress or sadness I was feeling, but rather that helped me feel. Both Sundance and HP accomplished that.

I haven’t done the exact tally of museums, but I imagine it’s somewhere around 12. I went to the Art Institute in Chicago (a personal favorite), the Met Cloister in NYC, multiple art museums and history museums in Moscow, and a museum of natural history in Manila. It’s insane how lucky I am to see creativity and beauty and artifacts first hand in so many parts of the world. I feel like I come away from these experiences with a little better grasp of humanity and quite a bit more humility.

The one big gap in my enjoyment list was around yoga. The class I’d been going to at work got cancelled pretty soon into the new year and although I signed up a few times for local yoga studios in my neighborhood, it always felt so daunting and so I’d cancel at the last second. Although I’ve enjoyed yoga in the past, the prospect of finding a new class did not spark any joy in me, only insecurity and apprehension.

Rather than beat myself up for this, I’ve been trying to be gentler and kinder to myself. It’s okay to feel intimidated about going to a new yoga class or whatever else might be overwhelming in my life. I don’t want it to paralyze me and stop me from doing all that I hope to do, but some times, in some things it will and that’s okay. Because I’m human, and joy requires us to be forgiving and allow ourselves to evolve and start anew.

Other things I did this year that I enjoyed:

• I read over 100 books
• I had a regular dinner group twice a month with two friends I adore
• My college roommates and I had a reunion in Chicago
• I got to see 3 shows in New York in honor of my 30th birthday
• I moved into a new place that I love!

#5 Take Hebrew Lessons

Okay, this goal was short lived. I only took lessons four or five times before the woman who volunteered to teach us moved away. It was earlier this year, so I don’t think I could even recite the entire Hebrew alphabet anymore. But even in those short weeks, I came to develop a love and respect for the language and I’m glad I pursued it.

As a Christian, my religion and scriptures originate from a part of the world that is connected to the Hebrew language, and in many cases my sacred texts were originally written in Hebrew. As a result, having some concept of the language is an important component of my own faith. However, I also found myself considering its relationship with the Jewish faith. I wonder how often we seek to understand something different from our own experience, only to immediately use it to validate our own view of the world?

I haven’t continued formal Hebrew lessons; however, as I’ve studied the Old Testament this year (see #6), I’ve spent more time with the academic references, many of which provide a more holistic view of the context linguistically, historically, and culturally. I’ve tried to be mindful and respectful as I’ve studied to not immediately seeking to validate my own beliefs, but to first seek to understand the various beliefs and interpretations. Rather than shaking any of my faith frameworks, I’ve found it has deepened them.

#2 Become more involved in my community

The two big things I’ve done this year in terms of community service have been teaching ESL with the International Rescue Committee and being precinct chair for my political party.

Teaching English as a Second Language

The Good: All of those stories you hear about the incredible resilience and positivity of those who have lived through tremendous hardship is all true. I loved spending time with the women who came to our class and helping them feel loved and capable. They were some of the most incredible human beings I’ve ever met and I loved when they brought their kids along and saw the hope and joy they had in providing a safer future for them. I loved knowing that I was helping them succeed and making a difference in a really tangible way.

The Hard: Non-profits are stretched so thin. It’s no their fault–they’re trying to meet so many needs with so few resources. Honestly, they’re doing an amazing job, but it can be hard to find the best way to be a part of the effort. Consistency is also a challenge. There were weeks when no one showed up for class because they all had to work or had to deal with a family thing. The constant fluidity made preparation difficult because I had no idea beforehand what level I was going to be teaching and what material they’d already covered.

What I Learned: I found that I had to really take control of most interactions and not wait for an administrator to contact me because somehow I just kept on falling through the cracks.

Party Precinct Chair

The Good: When I showed up to vote in the caucus, I had no idea I would be the only person from my entire precinct to show up. That automatically made me the precinct chair! I loved going to both the county and state convention and getting to meet candidates in-person and discuss issues with people who have similar political priorities. It also inspired me to get out and canvas for several candidates I felt strongly about.

The Hard: It exposed me to a lot of the political in-fighting that happens in every party. Honestly, that was really demoralizing and even though I was super pumped at the beginning of the assignment, I found myself needing some space after a while. I feel bad, because I do want to be more politically involved, but I wonder how to accomplish this without drama.

What I Learned: You can have an outsized impact on the future of your community by participating in elections. Because so many people aren’t very involved, even just a few hours of volunteering a month can have a large impact. So much of grassroots politics is about respectful conversations between people (believe it or not). It’s so easy to just see all the hateful words on the internet or the arguments at committee meetings, but for the most part, even people who disagreed with the candidate I was representing were respectful to me when I was out knocking doors.

#26 Give a TED-like Talk

I did this in a more informal setting. Some friends of mine hold an annual summit with several dozen people where individuals are invited to share a presentation/lead a conversation on a specific topic they feel strongly about. Most of the people there I knew through work, so it was really intimidating to share what I’d prepared…A Brief History of Feminism.

I live in a community where that word has a lot of baggage. Although I align with the values of feminism, it took me years to feel comfortable identifying and sharing my thoughts about gender. I think quite a few of the blanket judgments people have in regards to feminism have to do with an ignorance about the movement’s history and nuances. So I kept moving forward despite my hesitation and stayed up late after work multiple nights, surrounded myself from books and anthologies from my gender studies days and put together something I felt would be accurate and interesting to the audience.

It was both a nerve-wracking experience and an empowering experience. I had to ice my shoulders the following week because I’d been clenching them so much over the weekend with anxiety. But then, my group had thoughtful and respectful questions and I had multiple people come up to me afterward, wanting to continue the discussion which was gratifying.  It’s funny, I’ve come to really love teaching and speaking at Church, but this experience really taught me that this is something I enjoy doing outside of a religious volunteer experience. It gave me so much more confidence to say yes next time I’m given an opportunity to speak and to believe in my ability to effectively and articulately communicate ideas that are important to me.

#18 Hike in Zion National Park

I’ve driven on I-15 passed the turn off for Zion National Park more times than I can count. But I’m always on may way somewhere and have never had time to stop. It’s kind of a disgrace for someone from Las Vegas and living in Utah to have never been, so we finally rectified the situation earlier this summer.

It was different than I expected it to be. As we took the shuttle in there were portions of the roof that were open for ventilation. The canyon walls were so tall that I could look at them through the window and then look up through the openings in the roof and make out the tops. Nature never ceases to leave me in awe.

As I listened to the audio talking about the legacy of the region and how connected the Native American people are to it, I was humbled by their honor for world around them and uncomfortable with how we have decided it belongs to us. How I paid the U.S. government to spend time there. How everywhere I live and work technically is connected to this imperialistic legacy.

We hiked the Narrows and Emerald Pools. The water was ice cold when we stepped in, but once we got moving it was much more comfortable. We only intended to get in and walk for a bit, but it was hard to decide to turn around. Being knee deep in the water, feeling the rocks on the bottom of the river through the soles of my shoes and looking up at the rock formations and the sky was such a sensual experience. It overwhelmed my senses with beauty.

Emerald Pools was a fun hike–there were a lot of families on the trail with us. It’s easy to get frustrated since kids often aren’t quite as fast, but ultimately I was happy to see so many parents instilling their children with a sense of respect and joy for nature. We sat and rested once we got to the top and the squirrels were scavenging around. Shout out to Angela who was the best roadtrip buddy and ended up getting much closer to the wildlife than she’d planned.

Mother’s Day and the Matriarchs of the Bible

Today for mother’s day at Church we had an incredible talk discussing the five women who are named in Christ’s lineage: Tamar, Rahab, Ruth, Bathsheba, and Mary.

Just a quick synopsis on the five women:

• Tamar was married to one of Judah’s sons, but unfortunately he died before they could have any children. By law, Judah’s next son should have taken her into his home and provided children for his brother. When he refused, God killed him. This happened again with Judah’s next son. His final and youngest son was not of age to take a wife, and so Judah sent Tamar back to live with her family until he did. This meant a fall from status for her. When she found out that the youngest son was old enough, but had not come for her, she decided to take matters into her own hands. She posed as a prostitute and seduced Judah. When she became pregnant he was furious until she was able to prove that the child was actually his.
• Rahab ran an inn and was likely a prostitute. When two spies from Israel came to her home she gave them shelter and even lied to the officials of the city about their whereabouts. She negotiated with them to exchange her help for protection when their army came to destroy Jericho. As a result of her faith, all of her household were saved.
• Ruth was a Moabite woman who married a Israelite man. When her husband, his brother and father all died, she forsake everything she knew to return with her mother-in-law to Israel. While supporting the two of them financially, she met and married Boaz a distant relation of her husband’s family and a wealthy landowner.
• Bathsheba is seen as the beginning of David’s downfall when he decides he must have her although she is married. It’s unclear how much consent there was between her and David’s affair, but after her husband was killed and she’d married David, they had a son named Solomon. Later, she follows the counsel of Samuel the prophet, and is able to intercede so that her son becomes the next king despite his lack of birthright.
• Mary is, of course, Christ’s mother. She conceived as a virgin and could have been condemned to death had it not been for the compassion and faith of her betrothed. If he knew of her pregnancy, there were likely many others who did and she must have lived with the rumors for her entire life.

Besides the fact that including women in a lineage was abnormal for the time, I love that these are not your typical women. I mean, many of their circumstances would be ostracizing today, let alone thousands of years ago.

On the car ride home, a friend shared a recent conversation she’d had with an academic who specializes in virginity. The concept of virginity is vital in cultures that prize patri-lineage, or genealogy through the male line. It is only through a woman’s chastity that a man can prove his own claim on her offspring–which is why men had few consequences of sexual wandering, but women were harshly punished and even executed (a double standard that is, of course, appalling).

It is with this additional lens that the five women who were used by the Lord to carry the line of his only-begotten are all the more remarkable. Rebecca and Leah are much less controversial women in his family tree, and yet they were not included by Matthew. In the first verses of the New Testament, God introduces a layer of ambiguity into Christ’s parentage that many would find problematic, and yet he apparently does not. In many ways these women should have been reviled according to the strict social rules within the Law of Moses, and yet, their stories are told in a way that highlights their faith and dedication to the Lord.

In a world that emphasizes perfectionism for women I was so grateful for this message today. Grateful to be reminded that our lives can be riddled with inadvisable life choices and still turn to the Lord and become a disciple with incredible spiritual impact. Our worth to God is not dependent on if we fit society’s perfect mold, but rather, the intent of our hearts.

And yet, these women were not passive. They took an active role in crafting their own stories. Tamar sought justice for herself, Rahab safety for her family, Ruth to care for someone she loved, Bathsheba to rebuild her life, and Mary to become the mother of God. They were all faced with incredibly difficult decisions along the way, but did everything in their power to turn to God, and their children were blessed for it. We do not need to get everything right as women. We just don’t. But I believe as we turn to the Lord with faith, he will bless us and the people we love.

#4 Get an MBA

You guys, I graduated last week! Can you believe that? I certainly can’t. I felt like I was in some Salvador Dali paining the whole time.

As so many lovely people sent me their congratulations, I was overwhelmed with a feeling of inadequacy. Honestly, sometimes I don’t feel like it’s been that big of a deal. It’s just class a couple nights a week and some homework on other nights and weekends. Have I really learned that much? It’s not like I went to Harvard or Stanford. Does this even count when I know so many people who are way more talented than I am?

Turns out, there aren’t enough degrees in the world that will help you overcome impostor syndrome, because someone will always have more accolades and there will always be more degrees to obtain. I think some part of me hoped that going back to school would help convince myself of something–That I was qualified? That I was worthy? What I’ve been realizing over the last few months is that a belief of my own worth can’t come from external markers, it has to come from myself. I have to make sure I am seeing myself fully and believe in that whole version of myself. Not only my mistakes and weaknesses, not just my resume, but my whole messy, talented self.

For those of you who have given me love and support over the last couple of years. Thank you! You haven’t even realized how much I needed it.

#29 Re-read the entire Harry Potter series

When I was in fourth grade, Ms. Savage had reading time every day after lunch. Sometime in the fall she decided to read a novel that was gaining a lot of popularity called Harry Potter. Honestly, I was bored. I asked her for permission to finish the book on my own for the quizzes so I could read whatever I wanted during that time once I was done. She agreed.

I finished the book in just a few days, but loved it by the end. I devoured the first three installments before the class had even finished the first. No series of books (and I’ve read a few) has captured my mind and heart quite like this one. I had no idea I would be forever changed by 4th grade reading time, but I was. Over the years, I’ve probably spent more time walking through the halls of Hogwarts and battling evil wizards than most other places.

When I set the goal to re-read the series earlier this year, I figured I would slowly work my way through the audiobooks over 12 months. What I didn’t anticipate is how much my soul longed to revisit a place I loved so much. I devoured them, finishing all seven before the end of February.

Here were some thoughts and insights from this re-reading:

I am in awe with how masterfully J.K. Rowling wove a story over so many pages and years that was coherent, dropped clues, had big reveals, and ultimately all led to the same place. Her world was vibrant, her characters equal parts interesting and relate-able. I don’t think I fully appreciated her brilliance in my youth.

While listening to the sequence of the Knight Bus in Book 3, it struck me that when I first encountered this book, I’d never been to England. And yet, as I read it this time, so much of the chapter reminds me of bus rides on narrow streets and chatty bus drivers that I’ve had whilst traveling in England in my young adulthood. It was a good reminder of how much each reader brings to a text of their own experiences.

Having not read these as an adult, I found myself identifying with adult characters in a new way. Sometimes with compassion and empathy, sometimes with judgement. One example is my utter loathing of Severus Snape. I understand why he has a grudge against Harry, but his treatment of him and Hermione left me with little pity. No one deserves to be treated that way, and especially not adults who wield power over children in that way.

And lastly, (for now) what I love about Harry Potter is that even though the books become bleaker and bleaker as they progress, with Voldemort coming back and then growing in power–with loads of death and torture, it’s all about the power of hope and love to combat overwhelming evil. As my world seems to become bleaker with each passing day, it’s a good reminder that we can find light in the darkness. I love the example of Dumbledore and Harry and Ginny. When faced with an insurmountable challenge, they gathered those that they trusted and loved to fight back. They were strategic about their timing, but they weren’t passive in their response.