When I got home from Poland all I could say the first week is, “This is so weird. This is so weird.” Like a broken record. I was commenting on how everything felt exactly the same, and yet fundamentally different. It was such a weird feeling.
Transitions are messy. Transition creates new categories, or puts old things in new situations. You have to analyze them, or re-analyze them, and in essence re-define what they are and how they apply to you. Transition means change, and hopefully progress.
I came back almost six months ago. I know that seems like a long time– definitely sufficient to get over all the confusion of transition and be fully integrated into life again, but I still feel like I’m figuring everything out. It doesn’t feel quite as weird as it did at first, but there’s so much I just don’t have a clear direction for. I have to re-process my life in the context of a year and a half of new experience and decide what I want to do and be and focus on.
I feel like everything is waiting in a queue inside my brain for me to re-think and re-decide about. Every week I take down a couple and see if I have any answers about them. See if my new self knows what the make of them. Sometimes I do and we move on, but frustratingly often, I have no idea. I just throw it back into the queue to see if I might have more insight at some later date.
In essence, it’s been kind of a messy transition for me. If not outwardly, inside everything still feels somewhat unsettled. I think that’s part of the reason I haven’t been writing on here. Because who wants to write down and publish all the jumble in their mind? However, one of the things I keep pushing to the end of the queue that keeps cutting in line right up to the front is writing. I think I need to write. I think, I’m running away from it for some odd reason, but that it’s a part of me from before my mission that needs to come back. And so I’m going to try for the change part of the process I just described and change my habits. I’m going to write.