How am I supposed to say goodbye to this?

They are filling up the pool in my apartment complex today. It feels like summer. Last summer I was here having barbecues and playing Frisbee. This summer I will be here wearing skirts and learning Polish. It’s going to be one of  the greatest adventures of my life. I am so excited and happy about this opportunity, but today my heart is full of goodbyes.

When I graduated from high school I was ready; I was excited. I knew I would miss everyone, but there was too much ahead of me to concentrate on sadness. I do that- barrel on into my next escapade tense with nerves, but too distracted by the newness to notice them. It’s different this time. I’m not quite ready to let go.

Michele started packing up the room this morning. She was laying her books and clothes out on my bed around where I was studying. I love our happy chaotic coexistence. I love our calendar dances and our gibberish late night conversations and our meaningful conversations and our dreaming and scheming. I love that we didn’t take a taxi in London and somehow I still got all of my books across the Atlantic and that I went to her work party on Wednesday as her significant other. What on earth am I going to do with my empty room at home. How am I supposed to say goodbye to this?

I have a confession to make. When I was waiting for my mission call I had this secret desire that my roommates and I would be sent to the same mission. That China would open up for missionary work and we would single-handedly (or seven-handedly) convert the entire country. Because together, we can do anything. In the last couple of weeks I’ve realized that this isn’t the plan. It’s been an obvious, yet hard realization. We have been given two blissful years of Zion, now we have a responsibility to figure out how to reconstruct it again and again wherever we go, with whoever we meet.

But I haven’t grown up yet because I haven’t figured out how this goodbye thing works. I don’t want to leave these beautiful wonderful women who have taught me so much about who I am and what I can become. I don’t want to miss their graduations and their weddings. I want to be a part of their lives like they are a part of mine. I hope it is okay to want this. My decision to leave still stands, and missing these events is going to be a reality, but that doesn’t prevent me from wishing and wanting. It doesn’t stop the day dreams of a big country estate in England with all our families living in the village nearby and when we get married giving everyone their own wing to propagate and decorate how they choose. I guess that even though this won’t actually happen, it can be some metaphorical reality (my heart is a giant English country estate in case  you were curious).

So what I’m trying to get accross is that I love these girls and I’m going to miss them all a lot. That’s all. I’m working on the brevity skill.

No roommates were harmed in the taking of this picture even
 though it looks like Jessie and Megan are mortally injured. 
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One thought on “How am I supposed to say goodbye to this?

  1. I know I'm not officially a roommate, but I will miss you so much too. I understand. I'm having the same things going through my mind with a mission in my head, but…yes. Um. I love you.

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